Iowa Farm and Ranch - agNET FFA News

1/8/2010 8:04:09 AM

Don't Clash Over Cash

Andrea Nisley, Extension Educator,

University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension Building Nebraska Families Program

Most families find there is never enough money and, sooner or later, they squabble over it. Meshing different styles of handling money doesn't just happen because people love each other. It takes effective communication, time, and effort.

If money discussions escalate to shouting matches or tearful sessions, start making changes now. Realize each person will have different attitudes and values. To one, money may mean power. To another, it may mean security or status. One may be a spender. Another may be a saver. The concern is not to always agree about money, but how to disagree and come to a suitable compromise.

Save arguments for important issues. Decide amounts each person can spend without reporting to anyone. It might be $5, $10, $25 - whatever fits the budget. These regular allowances provide a sense of spending freedom and eliminate discussions over personal items and incidentals.

Talking about money "later" or promising to discuss it "some other time" is not likely to happen. Regular meetings should be scheduled to discuss financial matters. This keeps everyone informed and can prevent minor concerns from becoming major problems. Meeting times will depend on family schedules. Try to avoid meeting between 5 p.m. and 7 p.m. when people are usually tired and hungry. Meeting just before payday or when bills are due are often good choices. Choose a meeting place with minimum distractions. The television, radio, and phone can interfere with the communication process.

Include all family members when appropriate. Children can learn from this process. Allow everyone a chance to express feelings, wants, and needs without interruption or criticism. Family members are more likely to support a decision if they are included in the process.

Effective communication requires good listening. Listen for key points instead of tuning out. Ask questions or request clarification. Be careful not to criticize, argue, or give feedback that hinders others from expressing feelings.

Words and tone of voice can fuel or diffuse an argument. Others are more likely to listen to "I-Messages" instead of "You-Messages." "You-Messages" tend to be verbal attacks of blame and criticism. "I-Messages" focus on the speaker and his/her feelings.

The Three Parts of an I-Message:
1. "I feel..." Make a clear statement of personal feelings.
2. "when you..." Name the specific behavior that caused these feelings.
3. "because..." Say why the behavior or event is upsetting.

Instead of this: "You never record the amounts of checks you write." Try this: "I feel frustrated when you don't record check amounts because I don't want to bounce a check." Remember: "I-Messages" have three specific parts. Just starting a sentence with "I" doesn't make it an "I-message."

If a problem is worth arguing about, it is worth solving. Combine good communication skills with the following steps:
· Acknowledge there is a problem. Get feelings out in the open.
· Identify the real problem. Money issues are often emotionally charged. Organized, written records give objective information rather than guesses. Be sure the issue is really money.
· Discuss only the identified problem. Keep personalities, past complaints, or other problems out of it.
· Brainstorm alternatives. List all possible actions/solutions no matter how ridiculous. No one should comment on suggestions until the list is complete.
· Discuss each alternative and agree on a possible solution. Write it down. A compromise may be the best or only solution. Everyone should feel their wishes were considered.
· Make every effort to support the solution. Identify and avoid obstacles. Recognize necessary sacrifices. Whose support is needed? Perfect solutions are rare.
· Keep communication open while working out the solution. Each person needs to feel understood, appreciated, and loved.